One more round with the food demons

You know what's eating at me? Food.

I was lucky enough to find a way of eating that worked for me, and as a result lost 187 pounds over a period of around 4 years, and kept it off for a couple of years. I started menopause and found it impossible to lose any more -- well, I lost a couple of pounds in a year when many women gain weight, but still -- but I was really okay with that. My relationship with food was sane, I was eating healthily, and I felt great.

Then my mom got sick. For a long time I was still okay, although the stress was really getting to me. But eventually she was so ill that she needed me during the night, often multiple times, and sleep deprivation has always been a big problem for me physically. But I loved her, she needed me, and that was that.

And I still managed to eat pretty well, although the regularity of my meals was faltering, and I was not as careful about my portions as I'd been. I gained 4 pounds, lost it, re-gained it, and then three more.

I joined a gym and lost the 7, but soon the nightmare of my mom's cancer destroyed pretty much everything in my life except my love for her. And still -- I wasn't eating sugar or grains or anything starchy. I had some problems, and I gained some weight, around 15 pounds. I was upset about that, but all things considered, I couldn't give it a lot of thought.

In the last two weeks of my mom's life, I broke. I ate sugar, I ate pizza, I ate every comforting thing I could find. I was really shocked that I did that, but I have never been so completely raw and in so much pain as I was then.

After she passed away, I tried to get back on some kind of healthy eating program, but it was hard. Incredibly hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. I tried a lot of things, talked to a lot of people, went back to the gym -- but eventually, my weight gain crawled up and up until it pushed past 35 pounds re-gained.

I don't know if anyone who has been more or less a normal weight all your life can imagine what it's like to be set free of super-obesity and to believe you really had found a way of eating that could work for you forever, that you were finally FREE of a lifetime of insanity around food and obsessing over your weight, and then be plunged back into it again.

I am not mad at myself. I am not beating myself up. What I'm doing is mourning, for a lot of things -- my own past, the loss of my mom, the loss of food as a form of comfort, my own lighter, more limber body.

I had pulled myself back from the worst of it, and had gotten back on track pretty well -- lost some weight, wasn't obsessing, felt pretty good. Then the stress of moving,  the hell of the drive, the stress of being in a new place -- a new place where it's a lot harder to find the kind of food I want to be eating, both because it's unfamiliar and because it's not California.

So now I'm facing this whole process one more time.

Don't get me wrong. I think our obsession with slenderness in this culture is nuts. I think if you eat mostly whole, wholesome foods and are active and don't eat for emotional reasons, your body will probably settle into a good weight for you, regardless of what the charts in the doctors' offices say.  I don't believe my life will be all that different if I lose the weight I re-gained. I am, I think, pretty sane about the whole subject.

All I want is to get free of the sense of sticky, unwelcome food-obsession again. I want to feel loose and free in my body again, as I did even when I still had 75 more pounds to lose. I want to break that false connection that food is comfort, is emotional balm.

I am so utterly tired of this particular battle. I just want it to be over.

Comments

[Reina]

Christie - I'm sending you cyber hugs and good energy. I completely share the desire to be free of that particular battle. Even at the lightest I've been as an adult - the battle still rages - I keep working toward being at peace while the rest of the world around me is in chaos. I wish the same for you.

--Reina

[Christie Keith]

Thank you, Reina. I treasure that wish, and wish it right back at you!

[Pam Picard]

I share your love-hate relationship with food and cop to being an emotional overeater my whole life. Next to my dog, I love food the best. Hang in there.

[Cheryl]

I know how you feel. I am in the same boat - lost weight and felt good and now weigh even more than I did before. I'm not even worried about the food so much but the fact that I spend so much time parked at a desk. Between an 8 hour day at work and then 7 hours a week in classrooms and God knows how many more hours doing online classes and homework :-( I am not getting any exercise and my body feels it. I feel old and decrepit every time I stand up or after doing any decent amount of exertion.

I am cheering you on. Hoping you find that better place in mind and body. I am searching for it too.

Cheryl

[Vicky]

I wish I could find the magic secret that frees one from food fixations. I know I can use it. The best we can do is to face the world one day at a time and do our best to commit to loving ourselves more than the outward manifestations of love we have grown attached to.

I may also learn to knit, just to give my hands something to do. I'm thinking knitted voodoo doll cats :)

[NA]

I run at least 3 days per week at 42 minutes at a time. I often run four or five days per week and have done so for almost a year now. I have not lost anymore weight. I am still at about 29 lbs over weight according to the BMI and I am bordering on obesity by that way of measuring body fat.

I still eat for emotional reasons, but it is better.

I think sleep, reducing stress, activity and eating healthy food is the best I can do. I wish I had a magick want, for you and for those who struggle with this.

[Victoria]

Hi Christie, I love it when you talk about food because it is so real. The midwest is brutal food-wise. Just wait for the tomatoes and corn and then get back here before the tough as hell winter sets in. I got to -220 a few years ago, from 280+, crept back to 237 where I am stuck like glue. I couldn't look at my agility videos from this weekend- I knew I would throw a pity party seeing that. Peace out- you rock.

[Cindy]

What is it about stress that makes it so hard to come back from? I am in the same boat with you and working on coming back. Doing it the only way i know how, one day at a time. Now that you are settled, hopefully this will be a cleansing time and a rebirth of sorts. And you can join me with the one day at a time.