Tomorrow is the Day of Decision; does that make today the day of apprehension?

If you'd asked me 15 minutes ago what the California State Supreme Court's decision on Prop 8 tomorrow is going to be, I'd have given you a very balanced answer to the effect that the Court could go either way for a variety of reasons which I'm sure I'd have then proceeded to outline in great detail, all in tones of the most profound detachment.

In the last quarter-hour, however, I discovered that would have been utter bullshit. I was reading a LGBT political blog in which a casual comment was made that the "conventional wisdom" among activists right now is that the Court will leave Prop 8 standing but allow the 18,000 people who married before it passed to remain married.

And despite the fact that this opinion has no more basis than my earlier one, or a thousand other opinions from anyone else, despite the fact that no one actually knows what will be announced tomorrow, it slammed into my gut like a kick from someone wearing steel-toed boots. I literally couldn't breathe for a second.

And that's when I realized I've been thinking they'd overturn it.

This is exactly what happened with Prop 8 last November. If you'd asked me what was going to happen, I'd have told you that it was impossible to know, it could go either way, blah blah blah, but when it passed, my shock told me loud and clear I'd never really believed it.

And I guess right now I don't really believe, down so deep even I can hardly access it, that the California State Supreme Court may decide that it's legal, acceptable, and constitutional for my rights as a citizen to be stripped away by a popular vote.

I wrote a while ago that my anger at the passing of Prop 8 frightened me. I wish you could see my hands right now while I'm typing; they're shaking.

Comments

[YesBiscuit!]

I had to admit to myself long ago that I always HOPED. Even when the odds were staggeringly against whatever it was I was hoping for, I still hoped. Even when I knew that I should prepare myself for the undesirable outcome because it might make it easier to accept, I hoped. For years I told myself I would mature past this HOPING phase and become more reasonable and sound in my thinking. It never happened. It still sux eggs when things go against me but I can't stop myself from hoping just the same. I guess I'm sort of resigned to hope.

[Christie Keith]

I was about to say, "You sound like Harvey Milk" and then I remembered what happened to him!

God, I should not be allowed on the Interwebz or out of the house today. I'm a wreck.

[Red]

I've been thinking that there's no way that CA wouldn't overturn Prop 8. The fact that it made the ballot in the first place still boggles my mind.

But in light of Maine, Iowa (IOWA, WTF???) and others, I just can't see CA voting to uphold that vote. I got to thinking that the current economic straits the state is in might actually help. Weddings cost money. People spending money helps boost the economy. You think that'll factor into their thinking?