Dogged Blog

Excuse me while I have a small nervous breakdown

This is the moment when it's almost 5 pm and I haven't finished two things I intended to do today.

The old me would take a break then come back and hammer at them until they're done. I'm telling myself to just close the computer and stop working. It's only the second day after my resolution; if I break it now, I'll be back where I was before my vacation.

If I let all this go until tomorrow, what happens to all the things I have to get done tomorrow, and Thursday, and Friday? What happens to my weekend?

My new career goal...

My new career goal is to be independently wealthy. Because all these two weeks of vacation taught me is that I like vacation.

It's not that I want to just lie around and watch HGTV all day. It's that the constant thrumming of deadlines, and the fact that I don't seem to know how to turn work OFF at the end of a day or a week, is driving me slowly insane.

I need to find a way to work (which I dimly remember I used to find really fulfilling) and still be healthy and balanced at the same time. Can it be done? Has anyone reading this ever figured it out?

A non-Memorial Day memory

My sister-in-law sent me this photo the other day. It's Christmas 2007. It feels like the entire world has turned upside down since that day. My mother gone, the economy in ruins, so many other personal things that don't belong in my blog...

I miss my mother, and I miss feeling as happy as I look in this picture.

Well, I wasn't expecting this...

Wow... so, I talked about how fresh paint and moving things around got the energy flowing in my life again?

In yesterday's mail there was a package from my lender on this house, offering me the loan  modification I'd requested SEVEN MONTHS AGO. Every time I phoned them, it was like they'd never heard of me before and I basically had to send them everything all over again, and now, with absolutely no additional information or follow-up on my part, this thing arrives.

Financially, it's great. It's better than I had hoped for. There are a few details I need to check out with an attorney, but it's a pretty simple offer. Unless there are legal landmines buried in the fine print, I plan on taking it.

This is what's odd: If you had asked me five minutes before this offer arrived what I wanted to do, I couldn't have answered you. Part of me wanted to cling to everything just the way it was when my mom was alive and not change anything. Part of me wanted to let go of everything, climb in my car with the dogs, and live life on the road for a few years. And there were parts of me advocating for just about every alternative between those two.

But as soon as this offer arrived, I felt pure blinding joy and relief. This sense I've had of being a hundred years old and creeky and painful and miserable lifted completely. All kinds of half-formed plans and ideas that I held in my mind snapped into place, or disappeared. It was like there had been this low-level irritating static-y sound with a slight electrical shock attached to it in the background, constantly, for months, and it suddenly turned off.

Ultimately this has to be a sensible financial decision, so I don't want to act like it's a done deal. It's not. But having this most fundamental, almost primal, logjam break? No matter what the outcome, that feels good.

Today's to-do list

I have a daily calendar, well, really, it's a to-do list. Most days, it's terrifying, although I have, by necessity, gotten a lot more realistic about scheduling myself and usually finish everything on it every day. But sometimes, that's at 10 PM, which I have to admit does not make for a stress-free life or a good night's sleep.

I don't actually put non-work items on my to-do list, but if I did, this would be my to-do list for today:

Walk Kyrie

Go to the gym and swimming

Stop at ATM and make deposit

Go home, sit in front of fireplace with hot cup of tea, and read while watching Season Three of West Wing.

Walk Kyrie

Sleep

Just reading it makes me happy.

In fact, I was going to buy a new laptop today, but I've decided to have a day where I just rest and re-charge. But I can't get my day going without writing something, apparently, so here's this.

I used to write these sorts of "catching up on my life" posts here a long time ago, usually just one on the weekend. I don't know exactly when I stopped. Maybe it was while my mom was so sick, maybe it goes all the way back to the 2007 pet food recall, when I never had any time to reflect (or sleep, eat or anything else, actually). I have no idea.

But now that I'm going to be getting a new puppy -- my first in more than 10 years! -- I've decided to experiment with how I work to see if I can create something that's less stressful, and free up lots and lots of park and beach time for him.

I'm trying to get the loan on this house modified, and if I do, I intend to move to the downstairs apartment, where my mom lived, and rent out the upstairs. This leaves me with the garden, a must with the dogs, and also puts me on the ground level, which is better if you have big dogs, especially since Kyrie is heading into her senior years.

Rebel was able to make the stairs until he died, but my Rosie wasn't, and it caused all kinds of problems for her and for me and my mom -- Rosie basically had to live downstairs with my mother for the last few weeks of her life. (Before that, I lived in houses that had no stairs, so it didn't come up.)

I'd need to make some renovations downstairs if I was going to live there, and I don't want to invest any money in this house until I know the status of the loan. But the modification process apparently takes months, so while I'm waiting, I thought I would move my home office down to my mom's old apartment. I thought it might make it easier for me to distinguish "working" from "not working."

If it works, I have no idea what I'll do to re-create that when I move downstairs, LOL, but I'll worry about that later.

In fact, I'm going to worry about everything later. Right now, I'm going swimming. And then I have a hot date with my DVD player.

Enjoy your weekend!

Real estate daydreaming, part 2

So, I took a quiz on places where you should live. I'm hestitant to share the link, as they pretty much played every angle to get personal information from their site visitors, and I had to give a false snail mail address to get my results. Annoying, but... they gotta pay the bills like everyone else!

It's http://www.findyourspot.com -- no direct link, but you can copy and paste if you really want to try it.

Anyway, they gave me two results that are "not in this life or any other" (New Mexico and Arkansas), but the others were pretty consistent. Clearly, I should be living in either Oregon or Massachusetts, LOL.

San Francisco didn't come up at all, but that was undoubtedly because I'd capped the real estate price limit too low. This is the second most expensive real estate market in the country -- just sayin'.

Here's my list, with my personal comments:

Portland, Oregon
Eugene, Oregon

I'd consider either of these places, but I think Portland is too hot for me -- their last couple of summers seem to have been brutal.

Danbury, Connecticut

Close to New York City, so hard to believe it's not priced beyond my reach. I've never been there.

Providence, Rhode Island 

I'd consider it, but I read a survey somewhere that people in Rhode Island are the unhappiest in the country?

New Haven, Connecticut  

I've been through there, but never stopped. In general I like Connecticut, at least, once they get rid of Joe Lieberman.

Worcester, Massachusetts
Boston, Massachusetts
Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Northampton, Massachusetts
Williamstown, Massachusetts
Amherst, Massachusetts
Andover, Massachusetts

Sensing a theme here? Which is okay, because I like Massachusetts. I can't imagine I can afford Boston, however.

Corvallis, Oregon   

Livestock guard dog program there. That's what I know, LOL.

Hartford, Connecticut   

I cannot live somewhere with the slogan, "Insurance capital of the world." Also, wouldn't that be Switzerland?

Baltimore, Maryland    

Having seen "The Wire," I'm skeptical... but I'd check it out.

Salem, Oregon   
Bend, Oregon
Medford, Oregon
Ashland, Oregon
Milwaukie, Oregon

Note there is zero Washington, where I'm truly considering moving, and like, half of Oregon. Why?

Frederick, Maryland 
Charleston, West Virginia  

Visit, yes. Move, no.

Fayetteville, Arkansas
Albuquerque, New Mexico

Not even to visit.

As I said, I was surprised not to see any Washington, and also, no Pennsylvania or Vermont, all three places I've come closer to moving to than any other states. Odd.

Wherever you go, there you are...

Do you ever sit around fantasizing about living somewhere else?

Lately I've been wondering if some person with a nice New England or Pacific Northwest -- or Midwestern if it's on a lake and near to some cultah and an airport -- property with some land that's all fenced for deerhounds and pretty and private might want to live in San Francisco for a year and do a house swap.

I'm aware that this is a form of escapism, but who wouldn't want to escape from the year I've had?

The only reason I'm not doing this, really, is that I don't want to leave my darling nephew. He's four years old, and I know that they hit an age where they're just not that into their aunties, LOL, and I don't want to miss this time with him now.

I wonder if I could get his parents to come with me?

My dream place would have a couple of acres or more, all securely fenced, with a pretty vista and some water. The house (or cottage or bungalow -- I don't need a lot of space) would be all or mostly on one floor, light-filled, not 70s-ish, but old-fashioned or modern doesn't matter to me that much beyond that. One bedroom is plenty, it has to have high speed internet, and I would especially love French doors leading out to the garden. And a fireplace.

And while I want it to feel like the country, it also has to be near to somewhere I can get a good espresso, not too far from an airport, and there have to be good veterinarians, including specialists, nearby.

Despite my constant whining about weather everywhere I go, I went to college in Evanston, Illinois, right on the shores of Lake Michigan, and I do understand what hot, muggy summers and cold, brutal winters are like. That's why I'm not actually moving to these places, LOL, just daydreaming about living in one of them for a year.

However, I draw the line at the South -- just too hot and muggy for me. I'd rather live in Alaska than Florida. I'd bend as far as Philadelphia, or maybe New York.

This is almost certainly just a daydream, but it's a particularly satisfying one. So induldge me. Do you have real estate fantasies, too?

Cute nephew story

So, my little 4 year old nephew's other aunt, his mom's sister, took him to the Academy of Science the other day. In the kids' education area, a naturalist had a boa and was telling the kids about them. Every question he asked the kids about boas, my little nephew's hand shoots up, and he knows the answer -- what they eat, how they eat, where they come from, everything. So the guy asks if he has a boa, and my nephew says, yes, he has two, named Crawl and Yellow.

I'm sure the guy was hugely impressed, both at my nephew's vast knowledge of boas and the fact that he had two of them at home at such a tender age.

What my little nephew failed to mention, and the guy never found out, is that his boas are stuffed animals.

Am I just biased, or is that not totally adorable?

Vacation, all I ever wanted...

I just got back from one of the best vacations of my life. And I wish I'd never gone.

The handy little grief articles and books tell you over and over that grief is normal and has stages and blah blah blah, but seriously, no one ever mentioned that having yourself teleported out of your normal grieving existence into a place where the scenery is gorgeous, the company is wonderful, there is absolutely no stress -- even the weather is great, which considering I was in Washington State in November is nothing short of a miracle -- could be hazardous to your mental and emotional health.

And god, yes, I had a good time. But the crash? It's fucking killing me.

Where would you live if you couldn't live where you are?

I love San Francisco for a bazillion reasons, and would probably live here even if I hadn't been born here and my family didn't live here, too. And with my mom getting on in years and in poor health, and the joy of watching my nephews grow up, I'm not planning on moving.

You might live somewhere you love just as much, or maybe you hate where you live but feel stuck there.

But love it or hate it, if you absolutely couldn't live where you currently live... where would you live?

Where would you live if lifestyle were all that mattered, and not money? In other words, I'd love to live in New York City, but it's even more expensive than San Francisco, so it's not on my "real world" list of places to live.

So... cost of living being equal, where would you like to live? Anywhere in the world, not just the country you live in now. When I waved my magic wand over the money thing, I took care of that pesky "immigration restrictions" thing, too.

Oh, but nothing but the cost of living is equalized. I haven't fixed the weather, for instance. ;)

Me, if I couldn't live in the Bay Area, I'd try New York City. Seattle is on the list, too. And Vancouver.

Your turn.