Sundays are for navel-gazing

I'm cautiously thinking things may be getting better.

I had a steroid shot for my knee, and subsequently was able to do a lot more in physical therapy than before. I have a great PT, and he designed a program for me, specifically based on the equipment at my gym, that gives me a real workout as well as letting me strengthen the muscles around my knee, to help keep my meniscus tear from being so painful.

I never thought working up a sweat could be so wonderful.

One of the things that surprised the hell out of me is that he put me on a stationary bike. I always assumed bikes would be hard on your knees, but he said that in this case, it was the best thing, better than a treadmill. I've never used one before, and I don't use a real bike, either, so this thing is working muscles I haven't previously worked, so I've got that great endorphin+pain thing going on that really makes me feel like I'm doing something.

I also got my period for the first time in around 20 months. And for the year or so before that, it was irregular and tended to be scanty and last a single day. I thought it was a little early for menopause, to tell you the truth, but that seemed to be what happened.

But this wasn't just my first period in almost two years, it was a normal period -- not heavy, not light, and exactly 5 days. I also had a day of the crazies before it hit, in which I was sobbing and hysterical and snapping at everyone. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown, truthfully -- if I'd had any idea it was PMS, I'd have been able to detach from it a little, but since I didn't, I was really pretty freaked out. I missed a deadline for my SFGate column, I yelled at a good friend -- and I mean really yelled at her -- and I cried for around 15 hours straight. It was not pretty.

It will be interesting to see if my periods resume now, or if this was just a last hurrah. Because one thing I've definitely figured out, stress can do almost anything to screw with your body and mind. In the last two years since my mother got her first cancer diagnosis until now, I have been sleep-deprived, worried, frightened, and under such constant agonizing stress that even when it was over and she was gone, it took me months simply to get my breath, let alone get back to a normal sense of self.

As for food, I've gotten so tired of trying new things I can barely bring myself to type about it, but I downloaded an iPhone app called "Lose It" that I'm finding helpful in tracking my eating. I love Fitday.com, but they don't have a smartphone version, just a web interface and a desktop version, and now that I live in the city and go out so much more than I used to, I need a mobile program.

One thing I noticed is that I've been consistently below my caloric intake every day -- below my base level of calories not counting activity. And yet, I felt I'd been eating, if anything, way too much. And then I get to the nighttime and I'm wondering why I'm crazy hungry.

The last two nights I've simply eaten a small snack at around 9 PM, something I'd previously told myself not to do, and then often did anyway and then ended up eating a lot, because the hunger/food desire had been building up for a while by the time I "gave in."

And I of course ascribed all this to "emotional eating," but now that I can just look at my day's food and calories and see that, in fact, there's a reason I'm still physically hungry, it's turned into yet another physiological "no big deal." I'm hungry, I still have 3-400 calories in the bank, I eat a small snack, I feel fine and go to bed.

It's interesting in particular because I remember during my early weight loss days, when everything was new to me and I was reveling in being free of the food crazies for the first time in my life, I was following Dr. Atkins' mantra of, "If you're hungry, eat." I DID eat at might that whole first couple of years, and I lost well over a hundred pounds doing it. But when my weight loss slowed down, I started adding in a lot of constraints -- counting calories, increased physical activity, restricting when I'd eat -- and while some of those changes were healthy, necessary and not a problem, eventually I ended up back in crazy territory, AND regained 35 of the 187 pounds I'd lost.

Now, that happened really while I was taking care of my mother, and a lot of that eating was emotional. Absolutely. But I think a lot of it was physiological and related to stress and sleep-deprivation. And I'm wondering if that's not what screwed up my periods, rather than menopause.

I guess I'll know in around three more weeks -- but one thing's for sure, if right around then I start crying and yelling at people, I'm not going to think I've lost my mind.

Okay, I've already done my workout for today, the dogs are fed and walked, and I have a big deadline tomorrow. Back to work!

Comments

[TheWeyrd1]

Calorieking.com is pretty good for looking up stuff, but it doesn't have current mobile phone apps. But ya know, if you can't find the food or the chain restaurant items on your app. try going to calorieking.com We use it for our work's wellness program...

[Kim]

I feel for you Christie. Recently I quit a very stressful job (that I loved). I had been working there for over 5 years, but over the last year a new supervisor made every day a negative one.

Since quitting, I haven't had a single pimple and my IBD has pretty much cleared itself up unless I get stressed. I'm losing quite a bit of fat as well, even though I'm certainly getting less exercise.

It is incredible what stress can do to both your body and your mind. Glad to hear you're on the mend... your 2009 was like my 2008. :O(